


You're the only one who can save me from drowning

by AsIToldYoo



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Art Student Yoo Kihyun, Asthma, How Do I Tag, I'll try to update whenever i can?, M/M, Swim Team, Swimmer!Shownu, Wonho is a great friend, i'm really bad at this, this is my frirst fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-08 23:24:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13468809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsIToldYoo/pseuds/AsIToldYoo
Summary: Honestly, I'm just using this to express my pent up frustrations. So... yeah. Shownu is a swimmer with a terrible respiratory system and exercise-induced asthma. The facade that he's put up, the fake smiles and laughter, start to crumble. It's Kihyun who manages to save him from self-destructing.





	1. Facades

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Shownu's personality might seem off / not realistic but that's because I'm using this fic to get rid of some of my own frustrations (?) So yeah, bear with me. More notes at the end if you're curious as to why I wrote this and all that. 
> 
> Enjoy my first piece of writing that isn't a school paper! Comments, kudos, feedback are all appreciated :)

Kihyun groaned, dragging his feet along the pavement. “Yah! Hyungwon why couldn’t you drag Minhyuk or someone with you? I have to finish that art piece for class by Friday! And I don’t know shit about swimming!” Hyungwon ignored him, long legs making it so that Kihyun had to jog lightly to keep up. 

Arriving at the swimming complex on campus, the pair sat in the stands next to the pool, watching the swimmers in the water. Kihyun didn’t even know why he was here, Hyungwon apparently had a crush on someone on the swim team. His name was ... Hoseok? Or was it Wonho? Kihyun couldn’t remember. Kihyun pulled his laptop out of his bag, continuing to write an essay he needed for class the next day. “Oh, there he is!” Kihyun sighed as he followed Hyungwon’s finger and saw the guy his friend had been crushing on. He wasn’t tall, maybe just slightly taller than Kihyun himself, had a nice face and his muscles... “Ok, he’s pretty hot, but does he even know you Hyungwon?” 

“He’s in one of my classes, but we’ve never actually spoken.” 

“So he doesn’t know you. Go introduce yourself and stop stalking him.”

“I’m not stalking him!” 

“Whatever.” Kihyun tuned out his best friend who was going crazy over his crush like a thirteen-year-old girl. He was about to sit back down and focus on his essay before his eyes landed on the guy standing next to Hyungwon’s crush. “Hey Hyungwon, who’s that guy next to your crush?”

“My crush has a name ok? It’s Wonho, oh and that’s Hyunwoo hyung, captain of the team, but people just call him Shownu.” Shownu. Huh. Kihyun kept his eyes trained on the swim team captain. He was really attractive, more of Kihyun’s type than Wonho. Miles of tan skin cut by simple black skin tight swim shorts, well-defined muscles on display as he stretches, chatting with Wonho. 

Kihyun can’t help but stare at Shownu’s incredible figure before finally sitting back down. This doesn’t go unnoticed by Hyungwon who wiggles his eyebrows at Kihyun before he jumps away, avoiding Kihyun’s punch. The two watch as the swim team gets into the water, beginning practice. Kihyun watches Shownu swim, essay long forgotten. Shownu makes swimming look so easy, even though Kihyun knows firsthand how hard it is. Shownu isn’t the fastest one there, actually, he’s near the back of the lane, but he seem’s to be more experienced, movements more fluid and less forced than some of his teammates in front. His movements seem effortless, and Kihyun wants to watch him in an actual race, to see him swimming as fast and as hard as he can.

“Yah! Earth to Yoo Kihyun! Time to go~ don’t you have that so-called important art piece to work on?”

“My teacher also told me to spend more time enjoying and appreciating art, and so here I am.”

“I’m gonna pretend you never said that. Now let’s go, Jooheon and Changkyun are gonna kill us if we’re late for dinner.”

Sparing one last glance at Shownu’s form gliding through the water, Kihyun followed his roommate out the doors of the swimming complex. 

————

It’s the fourth time that Kihyun and Hyungwon watch the swim team’s practice. It’s become some sort of routine for them, once a week, they would drop by after class to “enjoy the view”, as Hyungwon put it, jokingly one day after dinner. 

They’re late that day and it’s nearing the end of the team’s training session when the two arrive. Hyungwon persuades Kihyun to wait with him as somehow, Hyungwon - who was more on the quiet side - had actually managed to introduce himself to Wonho and they two were starting to become ... friends? It wasn’t clear yet. Kihyun grumbled at having to wait but was silently pleased that he’d get to see Shownu and maybe even greet him in person. 

He gets kicked in the shin by Hyungwon as Wonho and Shownu exit the changing room together, both laughing at something their teammate had said. Shownu’s short black hair was still wet, and Kihyun followed a water droplet as it fell from Shownu’s hair and slid down his collarbone, disappearing under his shirt. 

“Hi.” Shownu’s voice jolts Kihyun back to reality and he realizes that Hyungwon and Wonho were already leaving the pool complex. Screw them, Kihyun thought. But Hyungwon looked happy, laughing at something Wonho said, so he decided not to go chase after them. “You’re Kihyun right? Hyungwon’s roommate?” 

“How..how did you know?” Kihyun was shocked that Shownu was so nice. He seemed more like someone who would prefer to be on their own, much less want to make conversation with someone like Kihyun. “Oh I asked Gunhee, he’s on the team too, Wonho talks about Hyungwon a lot and I’ve seen you here every week with him watching the practice.” Right. Gunhee was in Kihyun and Hyungwon’s Math class.

“Does Wonho actually talk about my dumb roommate that much? Hyungwon will be ecstatic.”

Shownu chuckles, a beautiful sound, and Kihyun just realizes that he’d been so focused on the man next to him that he didn’t notice they had walked together out of the complex and were standing next to the street. “Um..would you like to come get some food with me? I’m kinda hungry after training.” 

“Uh… yeah sure. I didn’t have anything to do tonight anyways.” Kihyun follows Shownu into a cafe, undone projects be damned. 

 

Kihyun finds that Shownu is comfortable to be around. He doesn’t talk much, like his friends, but his constant and steady presence is calming. He seems to be an amazing person, kind and caring, and Kihyun gets drunk on his presence. They don’t talk much, just a few words about school and classes, both complaining about the work that they were given. Kihyun realizes that Shownu had been asking about him the entire night, being his kind self, so he tries to turn the conversation to Shownu. “You swim really well! How long have you been training? Three, four years?” 

It’s then that something about Shownu’s expression changes. His smile fades for a second before it comes back, but the forced happiness never quite reaches his eyes. “Ah well, it's more than that. I’ve been swimming ever since I was seven, officially started training properly six years ago.”

“That’s amazing to have been able to persevere this long through training. I bet it’s really hard right? I probably wouldn’t last half a year.” Kihyun’s still confused over what had just happened with Shownu and he tried to patch it up, wanting to make Shownu more comfortable and bring back the relaxed, happy atmosphere from before. He failed miserably. Shownu’s expression turned hard and his smile slipped completely off his face and his eyes lost the glow they had before, darting around to look at anything but Kihyun’s face. “Um… sorry, I just remembered that I have this project for economics due tomorrow, so I have to go. It’s been fun hanging out with you, let’s hang out again sometime, yeah?” Without waiting for Kihyun’s reply, he rushed out of the cafe and out of sight, leaving and confused Kihyun behind him.


	2. Cracks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun notices the cracks in Shownu's facade more and more and decides to ask Wonho about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey~ I was supposed to be doing schoolwork but, I kinda wanted to write this, so I wrote the second chapter today. Enjoy ~~

Kihyun had gone home that night confused and shocked. He still didn’t understand what had happened and why Shownu had reacted like that. He had gone home, and stared at his project blankly, trying to process it. Hyungwon had come in at some point, listened to what had happened, then left with the words, “just talk to him”. But it wasn’t that simple. Honestly, Shownu was always so kind and happy. It had been the first time he’d seen Shownu’s expression change like that, even though he’d witnessed Shownu dealing with trouble-making swimmers or having to sort through problems with the team. Kihyun wanted to know why, and he just wanted to help Shownu, so that he could always be happy. 

The events of that night replayed in Kihyun’s head the entire week, more specifically, that moment when Shownu changed. It was as if a mask had slipped off his face, revealing his true self, and it worried Kihyun. That Wednesday, Kihyun was back at the pool with Hyungwon. This time, they stayed for the entire practice as the team had invited them for dinner together to celebrate the start of the competition season which was soon. This practice wasn’t normal. There seemed to be tension in the air from the beginning, and everyone looked worried and stiff, but Kihyun just put that down to pre-competition stress and wasn’t too concerned. 

It was when Shownu got into the water and started swimming that Kihyun understood, and that was when he really started getting worried. Shownu seemed tired and upset as he stretched. He kept his jacket on for longer than usual, just taking it off right before he dived in, even though it was boiling hot. His swimming seemed…off, right from the start. His usually fluid movements were stiffer and though he seemed to be putting in more effort than usual, he ended up last in his lane, some distance behind the rest of his teammates. What was even more worrying was that Shownu stopped every 300 or 400 meters to rest, and Kihyun could hear him coughing all the way from the spectator stands. 

Kihyun was impatient. He almost screamed at Shownu to get out of the water and rest if he was sick, but decided that Shownu could make decisions for himself. He checked the time constantly, groaning internally as the two-hour session crept by agonizingly slowly. 

The minute the team came out after training, Kihyun rushed over to Shownu and Wonho, Hyungwon trailing right behind. “Are you ok? What happened? Are you sick?” 

Shownu chuckled, “Oh I’m fine. It’s just bronchitis or something that like again.” He shrugged and continued walking, the rest of the team behind him - tensions finally gone now that training had ended - joking and laughing. “Again? And why are you so matter-of-fact about it? Bronchitis isn’t something to be treated lightly!” 

“It’s ok, don’t worry yourself. I get bronchitis a lot. If it’s not bronchitis, it’s something else to do with my damn lungs or airways, its fine. This is what the … sixth, seventh time in four years for just bronchitis?” He directed the last question at Wonho, who laughed humourlessly, “yeah, sounds about right”. Kihyun frowned, Wonho looked…dejected, like the topic of his best friends health had sucked the happiness and strength right out of him. Even Hyungwon, who had been walking soundlessly with them, had his lips pursed, looking at Wonho. 

The team, with the addition of Kihyun and Hyungwon, sat down along the longest table in the restaurant. After ordering, Shownu gave a sort of speech, warning his teammates about taking care of themselves, and being prepared for the competition season, giving a few general tips for the newer swimmers. He sat down to a round of applause from everyone, and Kihyun noticed him exchanging a tired smile with Wonho next to him. It was obvious how much Shownu loved swimming and being with his team. Kihyun wondered if he could ever be able to dedicate his life to a sport like that, even training when sick, and decided there was no way he would be able to. 

As time passes and the food starts disappearing at an alarming rate because of the hungry swimmers, the atmosphere lightens up and everyone is relaxed and comfortable, smiles on their faces. The other swimmers started chatting excitedly about the upcoming competitions. “Oh right! The heats for the most important competition this season are in three weeks! I’ve got to train harder so I can drop time again!” Seokwon’s jabbering could be heard from the opposite end of the table. “Oh shut up! You little brat, you think dropping time is so easy? Let’s make a bet. If I drop more time than you, you’ll have to pay the next time the team eats out together, if you drop more time, I’ll do it.” 

“Deal~ you better train harder Gunhee hung, if you don’t wanna lose~” 

“You little brat!” Gunhee ruffled Seokwon’s hair affectionately, smiling. 

Kihyun, who had been watching Shownu’s expression noticed that Shownu’s smile had faltered when he heard the conversation between the two younger members. Of course, his warm smile came back almost instantly, as if nothing had happened. To anyone else, he looked like the kind, responsible leader of the team, happy to be there with his friends. However, Kihyun could now see through the cracks in the wall that Shownu had put up for whatever reason that hid much of his true feelings.

His smile was too forced to be a hundred percent genuine, and his left fist was clenched in his lap (Kihyun had seen when he ducked under the table to pick up a fork he dropped). His eyes had lost some of the sparkle he had originally and he looked so much more tired. Wonho had noticed too, evidently, as he stood up and dismissed the team with his authority as vice-captain, telling everyone they needed rest after today’s harsh practice. The team dispersed and Shownu, Kihyun, Wonho, and Hyungwon walked towards the dorms together. The night air was cool, and the walk back was peaceful and calming. Before they had to part, the four exchanged phone numbers, then walked off in their own separate directions. 

————

Back in his room, Kihyun decided to search up on bronchitis. It didn’t seem to bad that bad, but it certainly not as light as Shownu had put it. Kihyun just became more confused. Shownu was always caring about the health of the people around him, telling them to take care, but something like this happened to him and he didn’t even care? Kihyun really wanted to know why. 

[8:45 pm]  
To: Shin Wonho 

Hey, sorry to bother you, it’s Kihyun. Can I ask you something about Shownu?

[8:45 pm]  
From: Shin Wonho

Oh yeah, sure. What’s up?

[8:46 pm]  
To: Shin Wonho

Uh… it’s about his bronchitis. How come he doesn’t care? He doesn’t seem like that normally. And he tenses up and acts weird and distant sometimes when people talk about swimming even though it’s obvious he loves it? I’m sorry I’m asking so much, I just want to be able to help him.

[8:48 pm]  
From: Shin Wonho

Hahaha… you noticed? You’re really observant. You really do like him huh. This is something that is best explained in person though. Meet me at the cafe opposite the library in 10?

[8:48 pm]  
To: Shin Wonho

Yeah, ok


	3. A watery cage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shownu's (slightly tragic) backstory, also known as my swimming autobiography.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Word vomit and bad paragraphing up ahead. I wrote this in one sitting and didn't bother going back to check cuz I don't enjoy reliving my past. Enjoy~~

Kihyun grabbed a hoodie and practically ran out of the room, pausing only to put a blanket over Hyungwon who had fallen asleep on the couch watching a drama. Once outside, Kihyun walks briskly to the cafe, hoping that Wonho was already there. His prayers were answered and he saw the blonde sitting at a table near the back, two steaming drinks in front of him. Kihyun hurried over and sat down, looking at Wonho expectantly. No matter how you looked at it, Wonho’s smile had sadness in it as he looked at Kihyun. who was impatient to learn about Shownu’s past.   
“So I guess I’ll start then,” Wonho muttered, handing a hot cup of coffee to Kihyun. “So, I’m the only one who knows all this because I’ve been his best friend since the start of secondary school, and I started training just after he did. Neither of us have told anyone this before, even the team, because Shownu doesn’t want people knowing. I’m telling you now because you’re the first person to actually seem to care about him that much, and I want him to be happy. Don’t betray this trust yeah?” At this, Kihyun nods vigorously. 

“So, I assume you know he’s been training for six years. But before that, he’s always loved swimming, being in the water. He grew up by the ocean, and even before learning how to swim he would play at the edge of the sea. I wasn’t there of course. His parents almost told him to stop swimming before he even started training properly, but he begged them to let him continue. So they let him. He had good grades anyway, straight A student and all, never needed tuition until first year of high school. 

He started training later than normal swimmer does, he was 13. Most people on our team started start at 7 or 8 max. He improved so quickly it was scary, rising to the top group in the team within a year. Everyone could tell that he loved swimming, he would never miss training or a competition for anything. He worked hard. Almost too hard. On three hour sessions when more extra time was added, he would get there early and practice more than anyone. He argued that it was because everyone else was so good, and he had the most to catch up on. I remember him coming to training once in winter, in our fucking outdoor training pool, pale as hell and shivering. We told him to leave but he didn’t listen. That night his fever was almost 39 degrees. The next day, he took his meds and came right back to training. If it wasn’t for our coach going easy on us for his sake, I swear he might’ve drowned. His immune and respiratory systems sucked ever since he was a kid. Every time he got sick, which was frequent, it affected his lungs and airways, the most common illness for him being bronchitis. He got so frustrated it broke my heart honestly.

He made it up to being average speed in the top group while I was still stuck at the very back. He was a division one swimmer, and that’s the second highest division. Despite all this, he’s never gotten top three in an individual event in any division race, and he’s never been to championship levels. This affected him so bad. His parents got frustrated with him too they came to watch practices a lot, and sometimes, even when Shownu wasn’t doing bad, they would scream at him from the upper deck, in front of the entire team. Shownu hated it, and I lost count of the number of times he cried in front of our team. I think his parents are part of the reason why he started losing his love for swimming. 

It all went downhill three and a half years ago. It was early spring and Shownu had gotten sick again. It had become mild bronchitis, but by that point, he had become used to it. He didn’t bother waiting for even a half-recovery and threw himself right back into training. He worked harder than usual, saying he was going to run out of time if he didn’t start working hard, which to this day I still call bullshit.”

The more he spoke, the more aggravated Wonho looked. It was like he was physically in pain when talking about his best friend’s troubles. Kihyun’s heart broke for the two of them, best friends who supported each other throughout this whole thing. He felt even more sympathetic for Shownu, and wanted nothing other than to help him. 

“That year, his bronchitis didn’t get better,” Wonho continued, glaring angrily at his coffee as if it was the reason his best friend had to suffer. “To be honest, it was Shownu’s parents who told him to go back to training. They didn’t know anything. And of course that dumbass put even more effort into it, putting more pressure on his damn lungs and boom, two months later, exercise-induced asthma. I remember him coming to me crying the day the doctor told him, he thought he would never be able to compete again. It almost happened too. After taking ridiculous amounts of medication to keep his asthma under control, he came back to training two months later. He had learnt though, he took it easy in training, focusing less on the pure stamina and power our coach made us train on, but took his time on the technical aspects. But he learnt this too late. Once you get asthma, it never goes away. One harsh training session and he was back to practically coughing his lungs out and wheezing every two hundred meters. The entire team was so worried. 

He started to give up. It wasn’t obvious, but it was there. He started poking fun at himself, making jokes about he was last on the team, behind his juniors. I think the only reason he didn’t quit back then was because he had already put so much time and effort into this, he didn’t want to just throw it away. Also, he loved the team so much. He was like a brother to everyone, and he couldn’t bear to be away from them. He competed less and less, participating and doing pretty well in the most important races. He still went to training camps, however, which ruined his lungs more, but he didn’t care that much. He slipped further and further away from the championship level races as the qualifying time got cut bit by bit every year. He remained fifth or sixth in the most important races, but never higher. He lost his fighting spirit, his drive. He came to training just so that the last few years wouldn’t be a waste. He came to have fun with the team. He came for the exercise, to stay healthy. But it wasn’t for the swimming anymore. 

Nowadays, he still swims because he loves the sport, but it’s not like how it was five, six years ago. Being in the water is almost torture for him, being unable to be truly good at the sport he loves, just because of his body. He told me a couple days ago that he feels trapped in the water. It’s depressing, watching him. He used to love this so much more than the rest of us. Watching the sparkle in his eyes gradually dull as he watches the pool… I… But I guess you can somehow relate on that front right?”

Wonho looked up at Kihyun a sad smile on his face, blinking back tears. Kihyun wanted to punch something. They didn’t deserve this. Wonho didn’t deserve having to watch the person he cared about the most suffer like this, and Shownu…he didn’t deserve anything that had happened to him just because he had wanted to work hard at what he loved. 

——————

That night Kihyun lay in bed staring at the ceiling, head whirling. Why did these things have to happen? He admired Shownu’s strength for being able to deal with all this, being able to persevere. At the same time, he cried for Shownu, unable to do what he wanted. Kihyun imagined a world where he himself couldn’t paint, or draw, or make art, and curled in on himself. He would die in a world like that. 

The next morning when he arrives for class, he sees the swim team having a meeting with their coach on the benches outside the library. He couldn’t hear what it was about, but he did see Shownu’s eyes, red and puffy as if he had cried himself to sleep last night.


	4. Breaking down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shownu spills his thoughts and feelings to Kihyun, and Kihyun's is an angel through it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, so be prepared for a chapter that's even more of a mess than the last. Uh, the thoughts aren't really organized cuz I just wrote down what goes on in my brain these days, and I can't get these thoughts in order. It's just word vomit tbh.
> 
> Also, thank you for the support and comments and everything, I never actually expected anyone to bother reading the junk I manage to create. 
> 
> Enjoy~

Kihyun, Hyungwon, and Jooheon were sitting in the spectator stands overlooking the competition pool as the swim team warmed up below them. Jooheon had tagged along because he wanted to cheer for his friend, Gunhee, as well as to experience what it was like to watch a big swimming competition firsthand. The atmosphere was great, everyone was excited, albeit slightly nervous. The older swimmers lounged around in the stand waiting for their event, conserving their energy, being examples for their juniors. 

Unsurprisingly, Wonho, Gunhee, and Seokwon did extremely well, all three coming in the top three in their respective events. Though he got a medal, Gunhee was annoyed that he would have to pay for the next team meal. When it was Shownu’s event, Wonho came and sat down next to Kihyun. Though he was trying to look calm, his eyes mirrored Kihyun’s nerves as he waited for the heats before Shownu’s to finish swimming. Shownu was in the last heat, meaning that his seed time was in the top eight. He looked fairly relaxed as he got onto the diving board. Once the competitors had dived in and begun racing, Kihyun felt Wonho tensing up and holding his breath next to him. Kihyun, not knowing much about swimming, thought Shownu was doing fine, but Wonho’s reaction obviously meant otherwise. He watched in dismay as Shownu slowly began to lose his lead on his opponents. He was visibly beginning to tire, and by the time he reached the wall at the end of the race, he was placed fourth. The times flashed on the giant screen above the pool, revealing the 0.5 second different between Shownu and third place. 

“Shit,” Wonho swore. Seeing Kihyun’s quizzical expression, he elaborated. “That time is really bad for him. That’s basically back to his best time from a year and a half ago. Though he’s not improving as much as others, he still is getting faster…but this time… it’s too slow. Plus, he was so close to a medal. He’s going to be pissed. If this drives him over the edge, it’s over. He told me couple months back he felt like actually quitting training and only coming back to help with the team. I managed to persuade him to stay but…with a race like that…” Wonho didn’t continue. He didn’t have to. Both of them knew what could happen. 

Kihyun watched in slight horror as Shownu got out of the pool. He might be a good distance away, but even at this distance, Kihyun could clearly see the anger and frustration on his face, his red-rimmed eyes and clenched fist. Wonho sighed, “it might be a good idea to give him some space first or might explode at us … Hey! Kihyun where are you going?!” Kihyun had ran out of the doors of the spectator stands, wanting comfort Shownu. 

He exited the stairwell just in time to see Shownu turn down a deserted corridor at the back of the building. He ran over but stopped right before he turned the corner. Shownu had flung his cap and goggles down on the floor, the cracking of his goggles mimicking shooting straight into Kihyun’s heart. Shownu sat down on the floor, back against the wall, head between his knees, hands tangled in his hair. He was breathing heavily, sounding like he was holding back tears. 

Unable to take it, Wonho’s warning was thrown out the window as Kihyun ran over and wrapped his arms around Shownu’s wet body. “…Kihyun…what are you doing here?” 

“I saw your race. And Wonho hyung told me everything…I’m so sorry that you had to deal with all of that, I’m sorry. Hyung, you deserve better…” Shownu’s broad shoulders had begun shaking, and all Kihyun wanted was to help him feel better. What he didn’t expect was for Shownu to suddenly start up, push him away and walk further down the corridor. “Shownu! Wait, what…did I do something wrong?” 

 

————————————

 

“Why are you here? I don’t care if you know my past. I don’t want your pity. That’s all I get from people who think they know everything. ‘Oh you can just work smarter to improve’, or ‘I’m sure it’ll get better soon’. I’ve heard that so much, the last thing I need is for someone I’m close to and care about to say that to me. “

“I wasn’t going to say any of that. I don’t pity you either. I know what you’ve been through…” Evidently, that was the wrong thing for Kihyun to say.

“You don’t know! You don’t get it! Stop saying that!” Shownu was practically screaming at Kihyun as tears streamed down his face. “No one gets it. I ruined my damn life for a sport I’m not even good that, that I’m getting nowhere with. Those condescending looks, or expressions filled with pity and sorry for me. I hate it. I don’t need reminders that I’m weak! This… everything right now is just pure torture. Not being able to swim fast because I take breaks all the time because of my damn lungs. It feels like I’m not moving in the water and I can just watch everyone overtake me. It’s like I’m trapped, barely able to breathe, and in the silence of being underwater, my mind just goes out of control and I get even more depressed. “

Shownu stopped walking away, and sat down on the cold floor, not moving away when Kihyun moved to embrace him. 

“I was doing so well before all this happened! I was going to be up there with the people my age, all the fast swimmers. But of course, life had to come and ruin it. In my old team, as the younger ones overtook me and my default place was last, they lost all respect for me. The only times they people treated me equally and like a friend was when we weren’t in the pool. The only good thing people can say to me about my situation is that ‘it’s so amazing I could persevere this long’. Great. Yeah. This was definitely what I was going for in life. I want to be good at swimming, I want people to recognize that about me! Not the fact that I stuck around because I didn’t want to stop swimming. 

I’m a fucking waste of space on the team. I had to watch and act proud of my juniors when improved, some of them even going up to championships. Of course, I was proud, I still am of Gunhee and Seokwon and the others, but it still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. When I had just gotten asthma, so many people said I was overreacting. So many of my teammates imitated my coughing when I was around, saying I did an amazing job at skipping laps because my coach was too worried for my health to push me. He told me to stop pushing myself. He gave up on me a year and a half ago I think. I don’t blame him. What’s the point in trying to help someone who’s just gonna fail over and over again, someone who can’t get better anymore? That annoyed me to the point of almost quitting. What’s the point in training when you’re not even allowed to sprint or push yourself? To be honest, I still don’t see the point.” 

By this point, Shownu’s voice was barely louder than a whisper. His body, wracked with sobs trembled under Kihyun’s touch. 

“So many nights I cried myself to sleep, desperate for improvement but knowing I’ll never get it. People around me who don’t know about swimming, my friends my classmates. Every time they saw me in swimming classes or heard me talking about training, they treated me like I was a swimming god or something. Wow. If only they really knew what I’m like in water. They’d probably look down on me too. I’m so useless I can’t even be good at what I put the most time into. 

I’m a failure. Not only in swimming but everything. Because I dedicated everything into swimming, my grades were never top, and I didn’t have any other extra-curricular to show off. People say I should be proud that I swim faster than most people, but that’s normal. I put so much effort into training, I trained so much. Evidently, it wasn’t enough. I’ll never be enough. All because I’m weak. My parents don’t deserve to have to deal with a failure as a son. My friends could do so much better than being friends with me. You. Kihyun. You’re an angel, so kind and caring. Why are you even here? You shouldn’t have to deal with me… I know that I should quit, and I sometimes want to, to spend that time on other things. But at the same time, I hate that idea. I love my teammates and the feeling of being in the water, the thought of swimming. I love too many things about training to give up. I don’t know what to do…”

Shownu trailed off, the silence punctuated by his slight hiccuping from the crying and talking. His face remained buried in Kihyun’s shoulder and Kihyun could feel the wet patch on his right shoulder spreading, but couldn’t bring himself to care. Continuously rubbing comforting circles into Shownu’s back, he began to speak softly. 

“You’re not a failure ok? I’ve watched you swim for the past two or three months, and you’re amazing. Please stop putting yourself down, it hurts everyone who cares about you. You’re strong, incredibly strong, for being able to push through and continuing to strive to be better. There aren’t many people who can do that. Please…you’re enough…anyone who says otherwise is an idiot. Please…look at me Shownu…”

Shownu looked up, eyes meeting Kihyun’s own. “I’m sorry… that you had to see me like that. No one, apart from Hoseok has seen me break down like that, I’m sorry if it burdens you…” his eyes stared back down at his hands. “I won’t blame you if you don’t want to friends anymore or anything, I’m sorry I started yelling at you. You’re too nice.”

Kihyun laughed sadly, “It’s a burden I want to have, hyung, really. I’ll be here for you whenever you need me. Please stop pushing your true self away from people who care. It’s going to end up destroying you. About that friends thing…” Kihyun leaned forward, pressing his lips against Shownu’s forehead. “I will always be by your side. How you want our relationship to be defined, that’s up to you. Now let’s go before Wonho hyung sends a search party after us.”


	5. Let's stay this way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Incredibly short ending and all is well~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, sorry it took me so long and that the ending is literally like a paragraph long. I didn't really know how to end it, and I didn't expect this fic to be so long and yeah, it's a pretty rushed ending. Soz. I love you all for the supportive comments and everything. Take care of yourselves ok? <3
> 
> I left my out thoughts and stuff at the end notes.

The competition season was nearing an end, and the swim team was visibly more relaxed than they were two months ago. Shownu, after refusing to swim for a week after his competition had also begun training with the team again. He wasn’t over what had happened, and his past still haunted him, that much was obvious. But he seemed better. Having Wonho and Kihyun around him, supporting him was something that would be eternally grateful for. 

A month later after another terrible practice, Shownu seemed to be reverting back to his old mindset. Kihyun had sat with him and talked, calming him down. By October, he had improved. not much, but it was there. He was happier and the team dynamics were better. Wonho, arm linked with Hyungwon, laughed as the four friends walked out of the pool complex together. Gunhee had apparently finally gotten a job so he could fulfill the bet he lost, so they were all going out for dinner to celebrate the end of the competitions. Kihyun felt warm inside as he watched Shownu laugh, the sadness and torment gone from his expression. It was all worth it. Sticking through all the tough practices with Shownu, staying with him when he broke down. It was all worth it just to see this sight. He reached out and grabbed Shownu’s hand, his small hand fitting perfectly into Shownu’s big one, and he swore that he would do anything to keep things this way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! I finished my first ever fic! So yeah. Most of this fic is true minus the supportive friends and happy ending of course, but I have you all, so I'm happy. It's pretty much an autobiography to be honest, I started training 5 years ago when I was 10, got asthma two years later, and now I'm still struggling at the last place on the team. I don't know if i should quit and focus more on other things since this is going nowhere, but I love my team too much and I just got a notice from my school that I can be considered for applying for a sports scholarship when I apply to uni in two years if I continue, so I don't know. I started writing this cuz I had just gotten bronchitis again, and felt miserable after one practice, so yeah. 
> 
> To everyone out there who might be going through this as well, please persevere. I know it sounds bad if you only get recognized for staying instead of actual achievements, or it's depressing to not be that great at it (I'm sure you all are amazing at what you do though) but please, don't give up. Not on something you love. 
> 
> Love ya'll~

**Author's Note:**

> So, Shownu's character here is modeled after myself and what he went through is what happened / is happening to me. Hope you all liked this fic! I'll update as soon as I can, but training and school take up a lot of my time :(


End file.
